Hullo Abundant Hearts!
After six months without a word, voilà ! Je suis ici! (Here I am 😘)
Real talk, the last year has been extremely hard on me, and I haven't had the emotional bandwidth for my business, writing blogs or letters, anything beyond daily subsistance, really.
I still don't have much capacity, to be honest, but figured an update was in order.
CW/TW:
Suicide, depression, loss, dementia, homophobia, chronic pain
This last year has been a real mixed bag in certain ways. First, I'm now using They/Them pronouns so please take note for future interactions.
My gender and orientation has been a twisty journey for me that is still ongoing and ever-changing.
Other big changes include being kicked out of my business group last year because I pointed out a homophobic microaggression, and the cis str8 whyte lady in charge didn't see it that way, wasn't willing to listen, then wrote a whole fucking blog post about "protecting the community".
From my perspective, no one in that clique defended or protected me - let alone tried to talk to me about it themselves, directly - which was really hurtful.
I'm still dealing with anger and trauma from that experience. Also from feeling like I couldn't defend *myself* because I didn't want to risk other relationships in my life by doing so. I was finding out people I considered family at the time were gossiping behind my back (which is a HUGE childhood trigger for me).
The blessing of it all was the friends outside that clique of people who have been INCREDIBLE, and have really showed up for me this year!
Basically, most of my friends in the metaphysical community now are not the same as the people I considered friends last year, and having to cut those people off has also affected my business, as well as my mental health.
I don't want to dwell on this, but I'm just wanting to be authentic and update folks as to where I'm at. It continues to be very upsetting for me.
Plus, I lost *another* friend to suicide this year, and have a few more currently fighting suicidal ideation. My mother has continued to decline cognitively, and my chronic pain has been worsening. On top of the world exploding, I'm absolutely exhausted from all of this.
Healthy boundaries have been extra important for me so that I *can* support and show up for the people I love.
So that's why I haven't been around much. I know I don't owe y'all any explanations, but I felt the need for connection and honesty.
Things have felt really unfair and lonely this year, but I've been trying to take the path of higher intention, trying to live to the highest vibe of myself, so I haven't called anyone out directly and I've been trying not to trauma dump everything on others. It's been intense.
On a positive note, I moved to a new apartment by the lake, which has been wonderful! I've been getting in a lot of walking and enjoying the beautiful weather while exploring my new neighbourhood.
Greta and Garbo are doing well and continue to be MY WORLD.
Their unconditional love has absolutely saved me this year. I'm incredibly grateful and lucky to have them!
That was a lot, but I wanted to let y'all know how I'm doing. My natural internal optimist wants to look at the bright side and blessings, even in the darkness - which inevitably comes our way eventually, and then passes. This year it was just my turn.
I'm sending SO much love to each and every one of you. I hope you're having a lovely spring so far!
Love,
Michelle (They/Them)